Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Origins of the Internet Complaint Registry


See, Internet peoples, I have a problem. It is this; while the internet affords one many opportunities to complain, bitch, moan, whine and grumble, it rarely does so in one place. A place dedicated to the fine art of complaining, a place where one does not have to fear being judged for boo-hooing, a place where one can pout and whinge to their heart's delight...


I became aware of the need for an internet complaint registry when I posted a complaint to Facebook a few months back and was promptly swamped in other people's complaints. Here is a snippet of that conversation:

"Uncle Dave" has a parrot problem. Yes. A Parrot Problem. If I had not been granted the opportunity to swoop in to Dave's side (metaphorically speaking) and offer consolation and advice, who knows what dark turn his parrot problem may have taken? Sitting out nights on his porch, shotgun cocked and ready, waiting for a sign of the coming Parrot Menace? Disappearing for days at a time, only to return home dazed and bewildered, crusty spots of dried blood on his face and clothes, repeating quietly to himself over and over again "Polly wanna cracker? Polly wanna cracker? Polly wanna cracker?" Terrors unknown and horrors undiscovered were neatly averted, just through the power of complaint!

"Uncle Dave" wasn't the only one. It goes on:

Look at this treasure trove of misery!!! The complaints range from "when I was a boy" reminiscing, to stinky wet sponges left in the sink, to death, to insufficient candy bar sizes, to hangings!
On closer inspection, complaining not only allows all these people to air their grievances, but it grants others the opportunity to postulate 'good' advice and cement, at least in their own minds, their inherent superiority while simultaneously complaining and receiving advice from others (who also feel superior)!

It goes on:

Here the discussion has evolved from the general airing of grievances and the giving of advice, to a deeper examination of the issues (cats crapping in the tomato patch) and a fully realized plan for retaliation. This! This is why we communicate!

So, fellow internet humans, I am taking complaints starting now.
Submit. You know you want to.


  1. I would like to register a complaint! It has to do with my foot. You see, it is No Ordinary Foot. It is a FUCKING FOOT. A FUCKING BROKEN FOOT. It has me hopping hither and thither at all hours of the day and night. It throbs as it pleases. It won't let me drive or walk or skip or stand on my tippy toes or even set it on the floor to be used as a convenient kickstand to prevent tipping over and breaking every damn thing in my path, including but not limited to all other non-foot bones.

    My FUCKING FOOT, in other words, is an abusive tyrant worthy of the most withering gazes. However, no amount of looks that could kill have sufficiently killed the throbbing and so I've resorted to prescription pain medication and internet complaining. To no avail.

  2. Excellent complaint! We will explore this (and hopefully other) complaints in the next installment.