Sunday, November 4, 2012

Broken Feet and those Damn GIFs

Last week, Sarah the Roommate registered a complaint with the Official Internet Complaint Registry. It read:

"I would like to register a complaint! It has to do with my foot. You see, it is No Ordinary Foot. It is a FUCKING FOOT. A FUCKING BROKEN FOOT. It has me hopping hither and thither at all hours of the day and night. It throbs as it pleases. It won't let me drive or walk or skip or stand on my tippy toes or even set it on the floor to be used as a convenient kickstand to prevent tipping over and breaking every damn thing in my path, including but not limited to all other non-foot bones.

My FUCKING FOOT, in other words, is an abusive tyrant worthy of the most withering gazes. However, no amount of looks that could kill have sufficiently killed the throbbing and so I've resorted to prescription pain medication and internet complaining. To no avail.

Sarah, I hear your complaint. It is a valid one and has been duly registered. Having a broken foot would be truly unfortunate, painful, irritating, and 100% complain-worthy. I myself have only ever broken a toe, and that took weeks to register as being actually broken. Breaking a whole entire foot would totally blow giant chunks. Like, I'm puking a little bit right now just thinking about it.

In honor of your broken foot, I have posted a few internet pictures of other people's broken feet below. Know that you are not alone, Oh Roommate Mine.
Anonymous broken internet foot 1
Anonymous broken internet foot 2
Fluffy broken internet foot. 'Cause AWESOME!
 But human feet aren't the only feet that break, as the picture below proves:
The Cone of Humility... the Cast of Cat-astrophes
You'll recover, though in the meantime you will be house-bound and put out. Which sucks. I commend your choice to jump (using your good foot) on this opportunity to complain, and loudly. Complaining, after all, is the panacea of the soul. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. IT'S THE FUCKING PANACEA OF THE FUCKING SOUL.

In other complaint news, the Official Complaint Registrar hates (Hates. Yes, HATES!!!) animated GIFs.

GIFs are the bane of the internet. Whenever I see a GIF I can actually feel my attention span shrinking. No, no- I can feel my attention span shrinking when I think about GIFs and how they even exist in the world. Whoever first thought that a 1-to-4 second long video of fucking nothing on endless repeat was a good idea makes me want to destroy the entire internet!

But I'm not the only one. In September, Twitter (yes, THE Twitter, where poor twits 'follow' people like the Kardashians while they twitter about their twattles) banned profile GIFs. This makes me deeply happy in the way that only other people's misfortune can.
This complaint, while it does not have an entirely happy resolution, has been tempered.

This concludes today's Complaint Countdown.  Don't forget, gentle reader and fellow complaint enthusiasts- you, too, can complain!


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  2. ...but where is your complaint, Anonymous?

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